Self-Honesty

It’s very difficult to be honest with yourself. It’s very difficult to dig through your character, your life, and your actions and really think about what is good and bad.

I’m not speaking of figuring out what our flaws and merits are (though that can be quite difficult as well), I’m talking about bringing yourself to think about such things. I decided, early Friday afternoon to take stock of what’s been going on in my life (I believe the idea came up because we have yearly performance reviews at work next week).

And yet, I haven’t been able to do it. I’ve put it off; done other “meditative”, “contemplative”, and “reflective” things (spending several hours in the park and driving around Charleston is not necessarily a bad thing, but I can not deny I was avoiding my self-reckoning). It’s scary to look deeply and honestly at ourselves; things like church (for those who participate) force us to do this to some extent, but a full job of it rarely occurs.

Why is this? Do we feel some pressure for the action to lead to a transformed “you”, a magical movie moment whereafter everything changes? Do we fear that we’ll uncover a failed life thus far? Do we wish to repress our mistakes and vices? I’m not sure. For me I think it’s a bit of all of those reasons, plus more I can’t articulate.

I do know that it’s a very good step (perhaps the best) to improve oneself; but there may be a reason so many people talk about it happening after a terrible, dark time (ending up in jail, getting addicted to drugs, a broken marriage, or a devastating injury). It’s not easy, but sometime it is a necessity.